Friday, March 6, 2015

Build yourself!

I've been having a bad time. So I'm going to write a list of things I am thankful for to look at and enjoy and stuff.

1: My truck Studley.
2: I own all of Resident Evil and can watch it any time.
3: I own all of Xena Warrior Princess and can watch it any time.
4: My siblings love me.
5: I work with cows.
6: I have an incredible immune system.
7: I can kick so hard I stop rampaging mother and father cattle from killing me.
8: Coffee exists.
9: Lord of the Rings. (Yeah)
10: I got to visit SHEL in Colorado.
11: I saved my sisters life when we were younger.
12: I'm good at Video Games.
13: Pizza exists.
14: I own two Beretta Airsoft guns and I am good at shooting them.
15: I'm attractive.

But bad things that stick in the front of my brain say "Look. Look how horrible your life has been. Look at all your issues. You are weak and a coward. You will never be good enough. Look at all the pain you've caused. The bonds you've broken. You are disgusting." And suddenly I can't see the good, I can't function, I shut off all emotions and retreat into a web of anger and resentment.

And so I rage at the world, and think dark thoughts. And I know it's bad, and I know I could fix it by having a better attitude, I'm at war with myself. Because half of me says "Look Elena, everybody has bad things. Everybody has things they don't talk about. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and live your life." And they other half "F*ck the world and the people that have hurt me. I hate it. I hate all of it. I want to die. I want to die."

"These things are not worth dying for." I say.
"This life isn't worth living." I argue.

And so it's a circle of bleh. And I hate it because I'm not just affecting me, I'm infecting everyone who deals with me. And they say "Oh pish posh stop whining look at all the good don't look at the bad."

The bad is loud. And it roars at me.

I'm trying. I'm struggling to believe that life is good, regardless of the past the future will be better. Every day I struggle.
And yes, I'm whining. You're probably thinking "Oh get over yourself." I know. I know.
And I keep telling myself "You are stronger then this. You can survive. You are a badass." But something whispers back "You are too weak. You will not survive. You are small."

Seriously it is a never ending fog of sickness.

And perhaps an attitude adjustment would fix it. Or a heavy amount of drugs.

Or if somebody would say "Yes, your life has been sh*t. But I love you, you dirty little F*ckball."

Mostly I have to fix myself. I've just lost the tools and need to pick them up.

There is so much good in my life. I just need to scrub the dirt out of my eyes to see it.

But there is bad, too. And every time I work up the courage to wipe my eyes, some bad memory throws a fist of mud back. Some bad whisper throws gravel.

Ooh, I've been dirt

And I don't care
Ooh, I've been dirt
And I don't care
‘Cause I’m burning inside
I'm just a yearning inside
And I'm the fire o' life
Ooh, I've been hurt
And I don't care
Ooh, I've been hurt
And I don't care
‘Cause I’m burning inside
I'm just a dreaming this life
And do you feel it?
Said do you feel it when you touch me?
Said do you feel it when you touch me?
There's a fire Well, it’s a fire It was just a burning
Yeah, alright
Ooh! Burning inside
Burning Just a dreaming
Just a dreaming
It was just a dreaming
It was just a dreaming
I'm definitely messed up. But I have the fire of life. I'm going to burn through this fog of sickness and rise like the messed up phoenix I am. Deshi Basara. Φτιάξτε μόνοι σας.
Thanks for reading this. If you got to the end.

                                             Image result for Middle finger

Peace out and all that jazz.

Love, the Paina.

Ps. Send chocolate. And a puppy.

1 comment:

  1. "Yes, your life has been sh*t. But I love you, you dirty little F*ckball."

    I love you. That is all.


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